媳婦婆婆各有各理
A MOTHER AND HER DAUGHTER-IN-LAW
A CLASSICAL CHINESE FAMILY CLASH
媳婦給婆婆信,婆婆終於回信了....超經典的
LETTERS EXCHANGED ! SUPER CLASIC IN MODERN LIFE!!(This is a heated argument between the two parties.Each has its own reasons to make a claim.)
[[Note from translator: Confucius is in our blood, whether you like it or not, and it is circulating in our veins still. In a way stronger than we think, the Great Sage has defined our societal order of things over the last two millenniums, plus, and we by and large traditionally worship his teachings as a Christian embraces the Bible, or a Muslim shields himself within the Koran. Yes, the faith is embedded in our being, and it has largely governed our social behavior for a long time. Now, Confucius advocated, among other things, “We over me”, “Aged over the young”, and most devastating of all, the hierarchy of things that goes from “the King, to the minister, to the magistrate, to the man, then to the wife”, in that strict order. Notice the wife is on the bottom of the iron chain that rigorously defines the order of absolute dominance. In this line of social authority, society was ruled smoothly so far as there is no intrusion or recognition of INDIVIDUAL RIGHTS. That is why Confucius had been revered as a Sage by all ruling dynasties, to facilitate absolute imperial governance since twenty-two centuries ago.
During all that time, Mother China had arrogantly, or ignorantly, placed herself in the Middle of the World, completely excluding any “peripheral and barbarian” Western ideas of freedom and individual human rights. In the meantime, during the two millennia of Confucian dominance, the West had developed its ideal of democracy from Socrates and the city-states of Greece , to the establishment of the Senate in Rome to broaden voice of the collective, to the constitutional monarchy in England , then the representative democracy of the United States . In the recent century, and particularly after the infamous Opium Wars and the intrusion of the European powers and international trade, the populace of China was exposed to the entry of Western ideas which inevitably challenged the old teachings of the Sage Confucius. That is, the old hierarchical order was beginning to be challenged by the fundamental idea of individual freedom. Many scholars think that the conflict has remained in continual social turmoil, still today, and this article represents one of the conflicts in a micro scale, and translated for the reading of those American-born Chinese persons who seek a better understanding of his heritage.
This then was the setting of the nuclear patrilineal Chinese family where customarily the home would house the parents, the son and his wife, and the grandchildren – the cultural image of prosperity and happiness of “Three Generations under One Roof”. Here, the son’s wife traditionally and culturally occupies the lowest position in that “hierarchy”. Her unspoken duties are to bear and raise the children, keep the house that remains under the authority of the mother-in-law, and in rural cases, also to work in the fields to help produce the food for subsistence. In modern society, that family structure has become a frequent source of disharmony and great frustration for all parties, as now so vividly portrayed in the two letters shown below: one from the daughter-in-law to the mother-in-law, and one the other way around; one based on the modern way of thought, and the other equally righteously from the traditional rules. If you are Chinese by heritage, regardless of degree, it behooves you to read it for a better understanding of the cultural genes that are running in your veins.]]
Letter from daughter-in-law to mother-in-law: 媳婦給婆婆
I have been thinking, what is the real meaning of your presence in my life? You are but the mother of my husband, and before we got married, you had held no meaning in my life.
我一直在想，你對我到底有什麼意義？你只不過是我丈夫的母親，在結婚之前，你在我的生命中根本沒有任何意義。
My life came from my parents: my education, capabilities, attitude of life, and my ways in this world, all came from my mother and father, and none came from a contribution from you.
我的生命來自我的父母，今天的學歷、能力、教養、待人處世之道理，都是來自我父母的承傳，沒有任何一分一毫是由你來貢獻。
Therefore, I just failed to understand why, after marriage, my two dozen years of life must be deleted and start to be counted anew from zero. And from zero, I began entering a realm called “your family” and from the lowest rung of the ladder.
所以我不懂，為何一結婚之後，我活了二十多年的歲月全部必須歸零，然後變成所謂「你家」的人，又變成你家「最小」的人。
“The lowest rung” is to say that in “your family” my position is lower even than my two-year-old son. That fact, to tell the truth, puts my feelings out of balance.
說「最小」是因為我在「你家」的地位始終比我今年才2歲的兒子小。說真的，我心理很不平衡。
My parents raised and educated me for two dozen years, and you just took in that fruit of long labor for free, yes, a ready-made fruit you got for nothing.
我的父母養育了我二十多年，而你是撿他們辛苦二十多年的結晶，根本來說你是不勞而獲、撿現成的。
Now, therefore, for all the work that I do for you and the family, you should thank my parents and thank me for my efforts.
所以我在 幫你做事情時，你得感謝我的父母以及我的勞力付出。
If there are no thanks, that is all right, but you should not express such great displeasure about me, you should not pick at me, and scrutinize my work with a magnifying glass…..You should not try to pick faults when there is really no fault to pick at, like one tries to pick bones in an egg. To do so would be like a beggar demanding gourmet tastes in food.
如果你不感激那就算，你不應該還對我有極大的意見，對我做的事情總是拿著放大鏡來挑剔……雞蛋裡面挑骨頭。 這簡直是 得了便宜還賣乖。
I have a job outside during the day, and I am financially independent. Never have I depended on your son, and never have I depended on his salaries for a living. 我白天有自己的工作，經濟一向獨立，所以我根本不必依靠你的兒子,也還沒有靠過你兒子的薪水過活過。
My abilities to make a living came from the education given to me by my parents, and my unceasing hard work and studies in my life. Therefore, I resent having to automatically put my earnings in the coffers of “your family” as a matter of course. When I spend my own money, I resent having to look for your gesture of approval. There is absolutely no need for that silent pressure.
而且我今天有謀生的能力是仰賴我父母給我的教育﹐以及我自己的不斷學習成長的能力。所以我不能忍受我賺錢的好像理所當然必須貢獻給「你家」，然後我花我自己賺的錢，都還要看看你的臉色，豈有此理！
I owe you nothing; and I need nothing from you. And, I have not spent a dime of your money. I will respect your opinions on things, but I will not allow you to call all the shots.
我又沒欠你，也不需要你養，更沒拿過你一毛錢，我可以尊重你的意見，但是不能讓你做主。
Therefore, I want now to clear up openly and honestly one thing. I pay the electric bill every month and in these hot summer nights I want to sleep with the air conditioner on for a comfortable sleep without your objections. The one who has to go to work the next morning is I, and the quality of the sleep is very important.
所以我現在要跟你開誠佈公的講清楚說明白：電費是我在支付，所以酷暑的炎夏我開冷氣睡覺你不准有意見，隔天要上班的是我，睡眠品質對我而言很重要。
Furthermore, as the saying goes, “Buddha needs to dress in gold; a person needs to dress in fashion”. When I want to buy some clothes and shoes, please remember absolutely that I buy with the money that I have earned.
還有「佛要金裝、人要衣裝」我要買幾套衣服、鞋子都是我的事情，請你一定要記住，這些都是我自己賺的錢。
In terms of recognizing the value of money, I have my own standards. If you want to manage money, go manage your son’s money. I do not want to spend my money on the basis of your silent approval.
花錢的準則上面我自己有分寸，你要管就去管你兒子的錢，我用我能力勞力賺去的錢，實在不想還要看你的臉色。
Don’t think how great your son is. If I didn’t have a job outside the home, how was it possible for you to have the two-week tour in China last year? Where did you think the money came from?
而且，你不要老是以為你的兒子多棒，如果沒有我也出去工作，你以為你去年可以去大陸旅遊二星期嗎？哪來的錢？
I often thought that you are of really little meaning to me; whatever superficial meaning there is, it is that you are merely the mother of my husband. Your life’s sentiments and accomplishments are contained in your son. If you need a repayment for your toils, it must come from him. Similarly, if I were to repay anybody for what I am, I would repay my parents. If my parents were as picky toward your son, would you feel comfortable in your heart? And how much is your son able to meet their demands?
我常常在想，你對我其實真的沒有任何意義，如果你對我有任何形式上的意義，你只不過是我丈夫的母親，你所有的恩情功勞都在他身上，要回報你的也是他，相同的能叫我回報的也只有我的父母親，如果今天我的父母也這樣挑剔你的兒子，你心理又會舒服嗎？ 而你的兒 子有能達到他們多少的要! 求! ？
So, from now on, when you want to eat some fruits, tell your son to prepare them for you, because it is his duty.
所以~~以後你想 吃水果，請叫你兒子切給你吃，因為這才是他應該做的。
Also ask your son to do your laundry. You had done his for 20 some years, and I had never asked you to do even a pair of socks for me.
衣服也請你兒子洗，畢竟你也幫他洗了二十幾年的衣服(我連一雙襪子都沒有麻煩過你)。
When you need to go see a doctor, ask your son to leave work early to take you there. I no longer want to spend my personal time for you. When I caught a cold, you had ridiculed me for being weak; now when you get sick, I just cannot generate too much sympathy for you.
要去看醫生，請他提早下班帶你去...我不想老是被扣全勤的費用，而且我感冒時你還會對我冷言冷語笑我身體差，因此你生病時我沒有辦法提起太多的同理心。
To sum it up, it is your son’s duty to show filial piety for you; and I now wish to give mine back to my parents. If you want my help, you must close your picky mouth, and show some gratitude, because I owe you nothing. I would help you because I feel it is a duty derived from my husband. If your son was not my husband, you would not be that lucky.
言而總之，他孝順你是應該的，而我，要把我的孝心回饋給生我育我的父母親。如果要我幫你做，那麼你至少得閉上那張挑剔的嘴巴，然後心存感激，因為我沒有欠你，幫你做，是因為看在你是我丈夫的母親份上僅僅是這樣而已，要不是他是我丈夫，你以為你會有這個榮幸嗎？
Further, you should read the news. It says the present era is one of “labor must be paid for”. You never give me a salary for all the work I do, therefore, you should be stealthily glad.
而且，你也得多看看新聞，現在都已經是「家務勞給」的年代，你既然沒有支付我薪水，我幫你做你就要偷笑了！
Finally, you must view this letter that I have written to you as my being out of the bounds of a good daughter-in-law. But between two human beings, there must be mutual respect as this has always been the basis of my attempt to get along with you. If you cannot see fit to give the same respect, even as I still look upon you culturally as an elder, I feel I must still tell you want my bottom line lies.
最後，我寫這封信給你，你一定會覺得我大逆不道，但是人與人之間是互相尊重的，我對你便是以這樣的基礎去相處，如果你不能夠同樣尊重我的感受，就算我會看在你的長輩的份上退讓幾分，但是我還是要把底限說清楚。
You would say, “a daughter-in-law must know her place”, but I must rebut you……
你會說 「做人的媳婦要知道理」，但是我要在這邊反駁你~~
I was not raised by you, and I owe you nothing. I have tolerated your pickiness to the maximum extent. Now the ball is in your side of the court, and it is up to you to learn the rules of the game.
我從來就不是你養大的，我更沒有欠你，而對於你的挑剔已經發揮最大的容忍與尊重，其他需要學習的地方是在你這邊。
Mistress of the Household, if you respect others, you would be respected in return.
婆婆，尊重 別人也尊重你自己
